Listed as her top credential:
“proficient in all three utensils.”
Listed as her top credential:
“proficient in all three utensils.”
heir to Baroness State Holdings
has been siting for a portraiture
(her smile slowly decomposing).
I do she hope adores the green I’ve chosen
for the spinach in her teeth
and how I’ve captured her dandruff.
Oops, a little smudge joining her eyebrows
(I’m sure she’ll hardly notice).
Oh how I wish my brush stroke could capture
her never-ending halitosis.
now a mest.
Baby grabbed spoon!
Maybe not so soon…
(spoon on ground).
Peek a boo round four
cute beyond belief.
Peek a boo round thirty-five,
mama wants aperitif.
Birth plan devised
(no nurse shall it hinder!)
plan out the vinder!
sounds great deal like
He’s the ether’s most wanted
(all too known is his repertoire).
He streams across the midnight sky
looting colored caviar.
His hydrogen’s laced with evil
(a robber of the cosmic sort).
He’s the peacock of the heavenly realms
with rainbow tail escort.
I have a clingy martian boyfriend.
Gone is the mystery.
He always knows what I am thinking
due to telepathy.
If I think of him in orbit
in a beam of light he does appear.
Darn that teleportation!
He’s always lurking near.
He will skip a probing
if he knows I’m in the galaxy.
Sometimes: “Please lose him in the cosmos!”
is my plea to gravity!
His pick up line was classic
“I come in love” (to humans, we say “peace”)
But how can I really date a Martian
who wears a cologne called “Autops-me.”
He writes poetry by the book full
on how I turn his cold blood colder still.
The crop circles of my face however
are a bit of overkill.
Lament to a Hippopotamus
he’ll crush you with a stomp.
Grumble to an Alligator
you’ll end up in the swamp!
Fuss and fickle to a Buffalo
and his horns will do the talking.
Whinge and whine to a Vulture
and you’ll be the one that he’ll be stalking!
You see, common to all animals
(made by the Great Technician)
is an intolerance of, a hatred for
plain and simple pessimism!
That’s why migration was started
(with this fact many zoologists do cower)
not for food or to search for habitat
but to ditch the downers!
I showed up late for youth.
(I didn’t know their gestures).
So I showed up early for old age.
(I wasn’t wearing dentures).
On day 7 God has his feet up
but his species maker 9000 continued to work.
That is until the lever got jammed
and the 9000 went berserk.
The Octopus was supposed to have just two tentacles
instead it floats around with eight.
A far too long neck for the giraffe
did it generate.
Readers: let’s take a moment of poetic silence
for those who were 9000-ed from above
(especially for the blobfish who’s face
only a mother could love).
You’re the apple of my eye
and the potato of my knee.
If you were a global conglomerate
I’d be your franchisee.
There’s an itch lurking up my nostril
waiting to be scratched when it deems fit.
There’s a chuckle in my belly
awaiting a stroke of genius wit.
There’s a tap poised inside my tip toe
a snap in my finger does loom.
Both await the same presence:
the tempo of a catchy tune.
There are two shivers in my spine
standing politely in a queue.
Each is poised to shiv away
in a moment deja vue.
Ready for a handsome stranger
in my left eye does stand a wink.
There’s one sitting in right eye too,
together they do make a blink.
The “what do you do?” inquiry
is exactly two words short to me.
Stop not there, add in “and why?”
and learn from who to briskly flee.
Gulp gulp gulp
slurp dee slurp
great big burp
Hi friends! I’m back from a long but wonderful pregnancy and maternity leave. Will be posting more poems…both regularly and soon! :-)
I thunked a thought, I thunked it once,
then the thunk I thought vanished with a clunk!
I searched the thoughts my brain had thunk
but all I found was much thunk gunk!
I found a picture of skunk
a memory of gramps and of a chipmunk!
(But no trace of the thought that I did just thunk!)
I checked down low (it might have shrunk)
it wasn’t up on brain’s top bunk.
There I thunked with shoulders hunched:
“your vanishing I must debunk!”
My thoughts went quiet, I heard again a “clunk”
and back to my brain came the thought I thunked!
My brain did add (softly like a monk):
“please take this back, it’s utter junk.
And one more thing: it’s “thought” not “thunked!”
Mrs. Clause put Santa on a diet
but now he’s sitting in a cell.
His christmas eve mission this year…well,
did not really go so well.
Section 2 (breaking & entering)
was his Christmas morning crime.
With no rosey cheeks or stomach round
he wasn’t recognized!
Thud! Santa flew down the chimney
(his belly used to provide some friction)
This year presents weren’t on his mind
… cupboard raiding was his mission!
Spotting the milk and cookies
he raced to them in a flash.
Soon only crumbs and drops were left
……but Santa wanted the stash!
He would have gotten away with it
if after the cookies he did scury.
It was the sound of pots and pans that night
that awoke the Jones in a fury.
“At 3am he stood in my kitchen,
a skinny Santa eatting my squid!
He even brought his own apron that said:
“Being naughty saves me a trip!””
So Santa has a mugshot now
But his regrets are zero, null!
His grin has a message clear
“at least my tummy’s nice and full.”
Empty pocket, reimbursement
(to ex flame:) “this is flame current.”
Chocolate stash, on a diet
future ambitions answered with “pirate.”
Empty drawer, pile of bills
sunny day, “boss: it’s the chills.”
Ice cream machine on, uh oh lever’s jammed!
incoming wave, messy sand.
Accusing parent, sibling scapegoat
low attention span, anecdote.
Opera singer, no glass in sight
human wonder, satellite.
Oh the virus has infected you!
It’s rampant and you’re teeming!
To cure yourself? Only one way!
Look at life as though your dreaming
I think I’ll write poetry for life
without care of what minds think.
Afterall should you not like it now
…. perhaps you will after a drink.
Be not the green beans, mash or niblet corn
grab the wheel of life and honk that horn!
There’s an elephant in the bathtub
(the drains clogged with peanut shells once more).
Theres a chinchilla in the bedroom
who only answers to “senor.”
There’s a hippo counting spin cycles
of a sparrow in the dryer
(he’s searching for his sparrow pants
that have a 2 for 1 worm buffet flyer).
There’s a penguin in the freezer
waiting for the ice box to set.
There’s pack of lions in the study
learning to play russian roulette.
There are 10 rats wearing spoons as helmuts
riding down the garbage chute.
There’s a german owl getting elocution lessons
“no no! It’s not “voot”…its “hoot!”
There’s a giraffe in the dining room
sneering: “uh, such taste nouveau!”
There’s a zoo keeper looking into empty cells
and thinking one thing: “uh oh.”
New dentist open for business
no appointment is required.
All you need to do is let him know
what time each day you’re tired.
He’ll pop by close to bedtime
as he does with all his patients
He’ll yawn 10 times right in your face
(since yawing is contagious!).
On cue as you yawn back to him
be sure to open wide,
he’ll clean your teeth at lightning speed
and take a look inside.
Should you fall alseep on him
and chomp down on his tools
I’m afraid his fees go up for his
(as does cleaning your drool).
An extra fee is charged as well
for cleaning as you sleep-walk.
And for an extra hundred flat
he’ll record what you sleep -talk!
He’s only had one complaint thus far
“In defense, she does look fetching”
Cindy Loo might disagree:
(he attached her braces to her bedding!)
No matter your opinion though
(and most do think his skills are splendid)
To your complaint he’ll always say:
“I’m tooth fairy recommended!”
If distance makes the heart grow fonder
do you look at yours & think “go wander”
I’m calling to discuss your duck
I’ve heard its the best in town.
But I’m not convinced.. not one bit
so take these instructions down.
Before I dine in 2 weeks time I like
to learn your pre cooking technique.
Not from your chef or maitre’d
but from your duck’s own beak!
Please start him on an English course
excelerated written and verbal.
I won’t tolerate “it can’t be done”
I just met turkish speaking gerbal!
If his answer is unsavory
I’m guessing my palette he won’t thrill.
So he can join me for lunch
(…he’ll be handling the bill).
Come one, come all
Don’t be timid!
Ride the tunnel of love
Buy here your ticket!
I took a seat
and to my delight
tall dark and handsome
was to my right!
But once in the tunnel
there was a gaze on my face.
Uh oh! Tall dark and handsome
had been swiftly replaced!
A pair of thick lenses
stared back at me.
Acne reading science journal
had moved up from row 3!
I considered jumping overboard
while in tunnel’s cave.
“I don’t like bunsen burners!!!”
in my mind I did engrave.
But cupid I knew had struck me
when I had the thought disgraceful
“I’d really like to learn more about …
the perodic table!”
The tunnel had me as a victim
as we moved out from its shelter.
I touched his arm, batted my eyes and asked:
“Is that real polyester?”
So consider this a warning
on this love inducing ride.
Its best to always have a say
on who you sit beside.
from bed to couch
can be prevented by
a censored mouth
***Hi everyone! I will be in Phuket for work so won’t be posting this week….rhyme to you soon!
Cupid Archery School
now open for admissions.
Bow and arrow are provided.
Clothes strictly are forbidden!
Sharp eyesight is required
as is good hand eye coordination!
(While the school wishes the couple well
we don’t want a repeat of last year’s goat / horse situation!).
Applicants must be girth generous
(slim cupids are unsightly!).
Please address your application
to Headmaster Aphrodite.
Should you be rejected
we offer remedial love 101 at night.
NB: Many of our rejected candidates
have launched successful dating sites.
is a movement chock full of slackers.
How can you truly worship the legume…
if you eat animal crackers!!?
I doubt there’s a stairway to Heaven.
I’m sure it’s an elevator.
Preventing the option to run back down
surely has been thought of by our Creator.
Being a wife is easy.
The rules are stark and bare:
Repeat what you just have said
and be not attached to his hair.
I have a theory.
It’s no tall tale!
I’m sure the postbox
reads my mail!
I put in a letter
heard a pen uncap
then: “that’s better!”
I mailed a sweater
to Cousin Doug
heard paper rip
then “…a little snug!”
I’m sure I saw him
blush 1/2 shade redder!
I think he was
reading my love letter!
And for some reason
I now have a subscription
to “Postbox Digest:
I’m not quite sure
on what to do next.
But one things for sure:
no mailing cheques!
To keep Granny rocking at good tempo
serve her tea and cake alfresco.
Just ensure the tea’s decaf
(Whispers:) I’m sure “why” you dont’ have to ask…
Don’t you remember the headline from last year’s Telegraph?
Caffeine feuled Granny rocks down to Earth’s Mantle!!
Red light doesn’t really mean stop.
It means proceed
(just don’t get caught!)
Yellow light? Ha!
Silly light citrus!
Its point is just to break up
colour sheme christmas!
Oh it has two messages key!
Step on the gas
and plant a tree.
– (interrupt all of a sudden)–
“I’m sorry but where may I ask
is your unsubscribe button?
There’s a bee in Grandpa’s pants
and he just found out.
There he goes! Whoosh! Zip!
Running out the house.
There’s a bee (still) in Grandpa’s pants
(going pantless has commenced).
Wow Grandpa’s got some gusto-go!
He just cleared the fence!
There’s a bee (no longer) in Grandpa’s pants.
But there’s something I should mention.
He’s still running outside pantless
(now he just wants attention!)
“Hello welcome to our restaurant.
For how many? Smoking or not?
Follow me please” (Two steps in)
“Uh oh I think we’re lost”
Dinner this week?
Just not with you!
If you want to be adored
the rules are simple: just ignore.
Ignore him when his eyes on you
ignore him when his calls persue.
Ignore too long? (…to be abhorbed!)
He can’t pursue you from the morgue!
Cliques aren’t allowed,
in the number line.
That’s why there’s an even between
each and every prime.
6 is a rebel.
A rebel.. outright!
(As he’s the only number
facing to the right!).
3 and 8 have history.
Once each other they did resemble.
Until they got into a fight
and part of 3 eight disassembled!
Even 10 has issues,
(oh, he’s deeply blue!).
“If you saw 01 in the mirror,
you would have issues too.”
0 through 9 love living,
a true bachelor’s life.
Fact: all numbers above 9…
have a number wife!
There are some numbers,
hmm, how do this I word?
Like 22 and 44…
that truly me disturb!
9 and 10 have egos,
egos indeed grostesque,
(afterall on the rating scale
they are rated the best).
But remove their circles
(10′s beside, nine’s at the top).
And both are simply “1″
(that always gives their ego a good knock!).
The issues of 1 through 10,
are indeed complex.
But brace yoursef, it does get worse:
just try the alphabet!
Sun up fresh day.
Preconceptions go away!
Keep your distance inclinations!
Stay away temptations!
Habits waiting in living room?
Prejudice in mental womb?
Tendancies impatient to get started?
Quick go tell whims that I’ve departed.
Sun down under covers.
as are the others.
With good intentions I tried to stray
but all they said was “not today.”
Wait, where’s habit? He’s gone I think!
Oh he’s just up getting a drink.
To please one’s host
is not a science.
If food disgusts
blame the appliance.
A buggy sits on laptop screen.
In one spot it does hover.
How do I break its buggy heart?
It thinks the cursor is its mother!
There’s a rumble
I can’t ignore
It rumbles loud
It rumble roars!
This rumble from my thoughts won’t vanish
The world is ending?
Nope, just famished!
The biggest fear
Not screaming boss
The biggest fear
Not theft or violence
The biggest fear
Is utter silence!
When I’m old I’ll fill my wrinkles
with some skin coloured sprinkles.
My face will be a mosaic
and no longer will I look archaic.
Did you ever wonder why the clouds exist?
as pure mist?
They actually have purpose great.
The sky they don’t just decorate!
When baby stars are born you see,
shining in the sky can be tricky!
Sometimes they fall.
Learning can be slow.
(from the clouds)
Back up they go!
Scrambled boss for breakfast
with a side of water cooler.
A steaming cup of deadline
topped with inter-office rumours!
Email egg at lunchtime.
Bacon’s down my back once more.
Toast wants to see the figures.
Coffee’s meeting was a bore!
My phone doesn’t like my boyfriend,
on our calls I know he’s listening.
He often crosses the line & whispers….
“try him, he’s much more interesting!”
My fever’s feving,
my brain has swelled.
My knees are knocking double time
and I cannot stop speaking in rthyme!
I think your reading material gave me bronchitus
and your doorknob….arthritis!
Your previous patient, her dignosis?
It looked like rubella with slight neurosis!
You better write me her prescription,
as it seems I’ve got her affliction.
How clean is that stethoscope?
Wait – have you sworn the Hippocatric Oath?
Doctor, is that mole benign?
Tell me Doctor… are you feeling fine?