Camilla Carron, Writer

Poetical musings for the choosing! Take time perusing my poems amusing. For talent fusing and project producing: camconhar (at) hotmail (dot) com is what I'm using!

Wanted: Music Teacher

The sound of Monty 

on his trombone

is akin to a toenail

deeply ingrown.

Unlikely to get the job

Listed as her top credential:

“proficient in all three utensils.”

Lady Baroness & her Artist

Lady Baroness
heir to Baroness State Holdings
has been siting for a portraiture
(her smile slowly decomposing).

I do she hope adores the green I’ve chosen
for the spinach in her teeth
and how I’ve captured her dandruff.
Quel masterpiece!

Oops, a little smudge joining her eyebrows
(I’m sure she’ll hardly notice).
Oh how I wish my brush stroke could capture
her never-ending halitosis.

Mini poems on Motherhood

Sunday best
now a mest.

Baby grabbed spoon!
(Harvard bound!)
Maybe not so soon…
(spoon on ground).

Peek a boo round four
cute beyond belief.
Peek a boo round thirty-five,
mama wants aperitif.

Birth plan devised
(no nurse shall it hinder!)
Contractions start…
plan out the vinder!

In public
baby vocals
sounds great deal like
prepubescent yoddle.

 

 

Shooting Star and his rainbow tail

He’s the ether’s most wanted
(all too known is his repertoire).
He streams across the midnight sky
looting colored caviar.

His hydrogen’s laced with evil
(a robber of the cosmic sort).
He’s the peacock of the heavenly realms
with rainbow tail escort.

Clingy Martian Boyfriend

I have a clingy martian boyfriend.

Gone is the mystery.

He always knows what I am thinking

due to telepathy.

If I think of him in orbit

in a beam of light he does appear.

Darn that teleportation!

He’s always lurking near.

He will skip a probing

if he knows I’m in the galaxy.

Sometimes: “Please lose him in the cosmos!”

is my plea to gravity!

His pick up line was classic

“I come in love” (to humans, we say “peace”)

But how can I really date a Martian

who wears a cologne called  “Autops-me.”

He writes poetry by the book full

on how I turn his cold blood colder still.

The crop circles of my face however

are a bit of overkill.

Animals hate pessimism

Lament to a Hippopotamus

he’ll crush you with a stomp.

Grumble to an Alligator

you’ll end up in the swamp!

Fuss and fickle to a Buffalo

and his horns will do the talking.

Whinge and whine to a Vulture

and you’ll be the one that he’ll be stalking!

 You see, common to all animals

(made by the Great Technician)

is an intolerance of, a hatred for

plain and simple pessimism!

 That’s why migration was started

(with this fact many zoologists do cower)

not for food or to search for habitat

but to ditch the downers!

Middle Age (and trying to escape it)

                                                   I showed up late for youth.

Declined!

(I didn’t know their gestures).

So I showed up early for old age.

Rebuffed!

(I wasn’t wearing dentures).

God and his species maker 9000

On day 7 God has his feet up

but his species maker 9000 continued to work.

That is until the lever got jammed

and the 9000 went berserk.

The Octopus was supposed to have just two tentacles

instead it floats around with eight.

A far too long neck for the giraffe

did it generate.

Readers: let’s take a moment of poetic silence

for those who were 9000-ed from above

(especially for the blobfish who’s face

only a mother could love).

Lovenote

You’re the apple of my eye

and the potato of my knee.

If you were a global conglomerate

I’d be your franchisee.

Bodily surprises

There’s an itch lurking up my nostril

waiting to be scratched when it deems fit.

There’s a chuckle in my belly

awaiting a stroke of genius wit.

There’s a tap  poised inside my tip toe

a snap in my finger does loom.

Both await the same presence:

the tempo of a catchy tune.

There are two shivers in my spine

standing politely in a queue.

Each is poised  to shiv away

in a moment deja vue.

Ready for a handsome stranger

in my left eye does stand a wink.

There’s one sitting in right eye too,

together they do make a  blink.

The “what do you do?” inquiry…

The “what do you do?” inquiry 

is exactly two words short to me.

Stop not there, add in “and why?”

and learn from who to briskly flee.

Domestic Goddess

Domestic Goddess

I am not.

Goddess? Yes

(just sans the mop).

Baby Bottle

Gulp gulp gulp
slurp dee slurp
silence, smile
great big burp

Hi friends! I’m back from a long but wonderful pregnancy and maternity leave. Will be posting more poems…both regularly and soon! :-)

The thought I thunked

I thunked a thought, I thunked it once,
then the thunk I thought vanished with a clunk!

I searched the thoughts my  brain had thunk
but all I found was much thunk gunk!

I found a picture of skunk
a memory of gramps and of a chipmunk!
(But no trace of the thought that I did just thunk!)

I checked down low (it might have shrunk)
it wasn’t up on brain’s top bunk.

There I thunked with shoulders hunched:
“your vanishing I must debunk!”

My thoughts went quiet, I heard again a “clunk”
and back to my brain came the thought I thunked!

My brain did add (softly like a monk):
“please take this back, it’s utter junk.

And one more thing:  it’s “thought” not “thunked!”

Skinny Santa

Mrs. Clause put Santa on a diet

but now he’s sitting in a cell.

His christmas eve mission this year…well,

did not really go so well.

Section 2 (breaking & entering)

was his Christmas morning crime.

 With no rosey cheeks or stomach round

he wasn’t recognized!

Thud! Santa flew down the chimney

(his belly used to provide some friction)

This year presents weren’t on his mind

… cupboard raiding was his mission!

Spotting the milk and cookies

he raced to them in a flash.

 Soon only crumbs and drops were left

 ……but Santa wanted the stash!

He would have gotten away with it

 if after the cookies he did scury.

It was the sound of pots and pans that night

that awoke the Jones in a fury.

“At 3am he stood in my kitchen,

 a skinny Santa eatting my squid!

He even brought his own apron that said:

“Being naughty saves me a trip!””

So Santa has a mugshot now

But his regrets are zero, null!

His grin has a message clear

“at least my tummy’s nice and full.”

Things that go well together

Empty pocket, reimbursement

(to ex flame:) “this is flame current.”

Chocolate stash, on a diet

future ambitions answered with “pirate.”

Empty drawer, pile of bills

sunny day, “boss: it’s the chills.”

Ice cream machine on, uh oh lever’s jammed!

incoming wave, messy sand.

Accusing parent, sibling scapegoat

low attention span, anecdote.

Opera singer, no glass in sight

human wonder, satellite.

Virus Cure

Oh the virus has infected you!

It’s rampant and you’re teeming!

To cure yourself? Only one way!

Look at life as though your dreaming

The voice of an unpublished writer

I think I’ll write poetry for life

without care of what minds think.

Afterall should you not like it now

…. perhaps you will after a drink.

Refuse to be a side dish in life

Be not the green beans, mash or niblet corn

grab the wheel of life and honk that horn!

The last place the Zoo Keeper might look….

There’s an elephant in the bathtub

 (the drains clogged with peanut shells once more).

Theres a chinchilla in the bedroom

who only answers to “senor.”

There’s a hippo counting spin cycles

of a sparrow in the dryer

(he’s searching for his sparrow pants

that have a 2 for 1 worm buffet flyer).

There’s a penguin in the freezer

waiting for the ice box to set.

There’s pack of lions in the study

learning to play russian roulette.

There are 10 rats wearing spoons as helmuts

 riding down the garbage chute.

There’s a german owl getting elocution lessons

“no no! It’s not “voot”…its “hoot!”

There’s a giraffe in the dining room

sneering: “uh, such taste nouveau!”

There’s a zoo keeper looking into empty cells

and thinking one thing: “uh oh.”

The most convenient Dentist

New dentist open for business

no appointment is required.

All you need to do is let him know

what time each day you’re tired.

He’ll pop by close to bedtime

as he does with all his patients

He’ll yawn 10 times right in your face

 (since yawing is contagious!).

On cue as you yawn back to him

be sure to open wide,

he’ll clean your teeth at lightning speed

and take a look inside.

Should you fall alseep on him

and chomp down on his tools

I’m afraid his fees go up for his

(as does cleaning your drool).

 An extra fee  is charged as well

 for cleaning as you sleep-walk.

And for an extra hundred flat

 he’ll record what you sleep -talk!

He’s only had one complaint thus far

“In defense, she does look fetching”

Cindy Loo might disagree:

(he attached her braces to her bedding!)

No matter your opinion though

(and most do think his skills are splendid)

To your complaint he’ll always say:

“I’m tooth fairy recommended!”

Relationship Reality Check

If distance makes the heart grow fonder

do you look at yours & think “go wander”

Chez Pierre?

Chez Pierre?

I’m calling to discuss your duck

 I’ve heard its the best in town.

 But I’m not convinced.. not one bit

so take these instructions down.

Before I dine in 2 weeks time I like

to learn your pre cooking technique.

Not from  your chef or maitre’d

 but from your duck’s own beak!

Please start him on an English course

excelerated written and verbal.

I won’t tolerate “it can’t be done”

I just met turkish speaking gerbal!

If his answer is unsavory

I’m guessing my palette he won’t thrill.

So he can join me for lunch

(…he’ll be handling the bill).

Tunnel of Love

Come one, come all

Don’t be timid!

Ride the tunnel of love

Buy here your ticket!

Feeling lonely?

Dateless still?

Enter heart-a-broken

Leave heart-a-thrill!

I took a seat

and to my delight

 tall dark and handsome

was to my right!

But once in the tunnel

there was a gaze on my face.

Uh oh! Tall dark and handsome

had been swiftly replaced!

A pair of thick lenses

stared back at me.

 Acne reading science journal

had moved up from row 3!

I considered jumping overboard

 while in tunnel’s cave.

 “I don’t like bunsen burners!!!”

 in my mind I did engrave.

But cupid I knew had struck me

when I had the thought disgraceful

“I’d really like to learn more about …

 the perodic table!”

The tunnel had me as a victim

as we moved out from its shelter.

I touched his arm, batted my eyes and asked:

“Is that real polyester?”

So consider this a warning

on this love inducing ride.

Its best to always have a say

on who you sit beside.

Spouce Migration

 Spouce migration

from bed to couch

can be prevented by

 a censored mouth

***Hi everyone! I will be in Phuket for work so won’t be posting this week….rhyme to you soon!

Cupid Archery School

Cupid Archery School

 now open for admissions.

 Bow and arrow are provided.

Clothes strictly are forbidden!

Sharp eyesight is required

as is good hand eye coordination!

(While the school wishes the couple well

 we don’t want a repeat of last year’s goat / horse situation!).

Applicants must be girth generous

 (slim cupids are unsightly!).

 Please address your application

 to Headmaster Aphrodite.

 Should you be rejected

we offer remedial love 101 at night.

NB: Many of our rejected candidates

have launched successful dating sites.

A word from a fanatic Vegetarian

Vegetarianism

is a movement chock full of slackers.

How can you truly worship the legume…

if you eat animal crackers!!?

Elevator to Heaven

I doubt there’s a stairway to Heaven.

I’m sure it’s an elevator.

Preventing the option to run back down

surely has been thought of by our Creator.

How to be a Wife

Being a wife is easy.

The rules are stark and bare:

Repeat what you just have said

and be not attached to his hair.

The postbox reads my mail

I have a theory.

It’s no tall tale!

I’m sure the postbox

reads my mail!

Just yesterday

I put in a letter

heard a pen uncap

then: “that’s better!”

I mailed a sweater

to Cousin Doug

heard paper rip

then  “…a little snug!”

 I’m sure I saw him

blush 1/2  shade redder!

I think he was

reading my love letter!

And for some reason

I now have a subscription

to “Postbox Digest:

Collectors’s Edition!”

I’m not quite sure

on what to do next.

But one things for sure:

no mailing cheques!

Granny in her rocking chair

To keep Granny rocking at good tempo

serve her tea and cake alfresco.

Just ensure the tea’s decaf

(Whispers:) I’m sure “why” you dont’ have to ask…

Don’t you remember the headline from last year’s Telegraph?

Geologists baffled!

Caffeine feuled Granny rocks down to Earth’s Mantle!!

Traffic advice for the brave

Red light doesn’t really mean stop.

 It means proceed

(just don’t get caught!)

Yellow light? Ha!

Silly light citrus!

Its point is just to break up

 colour sheme christmas!

Green light?

Oh it has two messages key!

Step on the gas

and plant a tree.

Honesty meet Conversation. Conversation meet Honesty.

In conversation

– (interrupt all of a sudden)–

“I’m sorry but where may I ask

is your unsubscribe button?

There’s a bee in Grandpa’s pants

There’s a bee in Grandpa’s pants

and he just found out.

There he goes! Whoosh! Zip!

Running out the house.

 There’s a bee (still) in Grandpa’s pants

(going pantless has commenced).

Wow Grandpa’s got some gusto-go!

He just cleared the fence!

There’s a bee (no longer) in Grandpa’s pants.

But there’s something I should mention.

He’s still running outside pantless

 (now he just wants attention!)

The worst hostess in the world

“Hello welcome to our restaurant.

For how many?  Smoking or not?

Follow me please”  (Two steps in)

“Uh oh I think we’re lost”

A rebuffed invitation

Dinner this week?

 Cocktails too?

 Sounds divine!

Just not with you!

Bad love advice

If you want to be adored

 the rules are simple: just ignore.

 Ignore him when his eyes on you

 ignore him when his calls persue.

 Ignore too long? (…to be abhorbed!)

He can’t pursue you from the morgue!

The complex relationship, dynamics and history of numbers 1 through 10

Cliques aren’t allowed,

in the number line.

That’s why there’s an even between

 each and every prime.

6 is a rebel.

 A rebel.. outright!

 (As he’s the only number

 facing to the right!).

3 and 8 have history.

 Once each other they did resemble.

Until they got into a fight

and part of 3 eight disassembled!

Even 10 has issues,

(oh, he’s deeply blue!).

“If you saw 01 in the mirror,

 you would have issues too.”

0 through 9 love living,

a true bachelor’s life.

Fact: all numbers above 9…

 have a number wife!

There are some numbers,

hmm, how do this I word?

Like 22 and 44…

that truly me disturb!

9 and 10 have egos,

egos indeed grostesque,

(afterall on the rating scale

they are rated the best).

But remove their circles

(10’s beside, nine’s at the top).

 And both are simply “1”

(that always gives their ego a good knock!).

The issues of 1 through 10,

 are indeed complex.

But brace yoursef, it does get worse:

 just try the alphabet!

The friends that never leave

Sun up fresh day.

Preconceptions go away!

Keep your distance inclinations!

Stay away temptations!

Habits waiting in living room?

Prejudice in mental womb?

Tendancies impatient to get started?

Quick go tell whims that I’ve departed.

Sun down under covers.

 Perspective’s here

as are the others.

With good intentions I tried to stray

but all they said was “not today.”

Wait, where’s habit? He’s gone I think!

Oh he’s just up getting a drink.

The perfect guest

To please one’s host

is not a science.

If food disgusts

blame the appliance.

Buggy on laptop screen

 

A buggy sits on laptop screen.

In one spot it does hover.

How do I break its buggy heart?

It thinks the cursor is its mother!

Some good advice

If one’s dizzy

drink some fizzy.

Rumble Roar

There’s a rumble

I can’t ignore

It rumbles loud

It rumble roars!

This rumble from my thoughts won’t vanish

The world is ending?

Nope,  just famished!

The biggest Fear

The biggest fear

Not screaming boss

Fallen deal

Or stocks-a-loss

The biggest fear

Not theft or violence

The biggest fear

Is utter silence!

When I’m old

When I’m old I’ll fill my wrinkles

with some skin coloured sprinkles.

My face will be a mosaic

 and no longer will I look archaic.

The reaons for Clouds

Did you ever wonder why the clouds exist?

Drifting

floating,

as pure mist?

They actually have purpose great.

The sky they don’t just decorate!

When baby stars are born you see,

shining in the sky can be tricky!

Sometimes they fall.

Learning can be slow.

Boing!

(from the clouds)

Back up they go!

Birdy Funny

Birdy worm

in birdy tummy.

Birdy poop on head

is birdy funny!

Breakfast and Work

Scrambled boss for breakfast

with a side of water cooler.

A steaming cup of deadline

topped with inter-office rumours!

Email egg at lunchtime.

Bacon’s down my back once more.

Toast wants to see the figures.

Coffee’s meeting was a bore!

Matchmaking by the Phone

My phone doesn’t like my boyfriend,

on our calls I know he’s listening.

He often crosses the line & whispers….

“try him, he’s much more interesting!”

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